her facebook's as public as her vagina
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My penis needs a shock collar
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
