so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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