God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
