Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is classic penis vs brain.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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