I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
