Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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