He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
