This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
