Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
