I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
