So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
