he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
