The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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