I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
