I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
