I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
