any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
