a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
