i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
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Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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