I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
