dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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