I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
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Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We just shotgunned beers for America
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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