I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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