I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
