Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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