i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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