My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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