So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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