Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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