if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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