i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
