im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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