i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.