I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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