The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
