I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
