Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
