So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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