i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
