I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
