It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
