i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
