Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
