man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
