the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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