Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"