No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
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If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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