honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
