i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
