We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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