You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
