no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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