By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
