Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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