Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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