Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
