some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
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To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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