I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
